Authentic Relating: The Art of Inclusive Social Gatherings
The Problem with Parties
Are you familiar with this scenario? You arrive at a party where you know almost no one. After putting your coat away and getting a drink, you stand around awkwardly for a minute while trying to figure out what to do next. Suppose you talk to someone who looks nice or happens to be standing nearby. You talk about the weather, the food, and what you each do for work. After a while you have to choose when and how to end the conversation. You may make an excuse to get away, like getting more food. If the other person ends the conversation first, you are left standing awkwardly by yourself again until you find another person to talk to. Repeat this all night until you have had enough, then leave.
While some people find this process fun and effortless, many people, myself included, don’t. The same dynamics always play out: those who are comfortable commanding attention (usually male, white, and privileged) do so, while those who are not (women, BIPOC, and minorities) ask questions, laugh at the jokes, but don’t get the same attention themselves. The people who are outgoing dominate the conversations; the ones who are less outgoing feel more or less left out. Soon, the black women are sitting together at the same table, the men are in a circle speaking over each other, the couples stick together, the quiet people leave early. The benefit of who gets enjoyment out of these gatherings is unequally distributed according to one’s identity. Those of us who are frequently on the margins often don’t even try anymore, and opt out of attending social gatherings all together or attend only out of a sense of obligation.
The unpleasant power dynamics are not limited to social gatherings. In professional settings, meetings that aren’t expertly facilitated also devolve into free-for-alls where those with dominant identities and outgoing personalities talk the most while those with marginalized identities and reserved personalities struggle to get a word in. People are usually more interested in talking than truly listening, leaving everyone fending for themselves to be heard. In some groups, the opposite happens, where no one wants to jump in, making it even more difficult for people to participate.
I am reminded of Thomas Hardin’s 1968 essay, The Tragedy of the Commons. In it, Hardin explains that any commons, be it a grass pasture, a forest, a city, or body of water, becomes exploited when there are no policies governing its use and no one to enforce policies. The people who are greedy take the resources, and those who don’t lose out, which leads to everyone taking as much as possible for themselves. Almost always, the commons is depleted so that there are no more resources (such as grass, trees, fish, or clean air) left for anyone. Unless we have a society where everyone knows not to take more than their fair share, laws and cultural customs are necessary to avoid the tragedy of the commons.
The same tragedy plays out in organizations, meetings, and social gatherings. In a social setting, the coveted resource is attention, which is usually accorded to those with status and charisma. This situation can be remedied, if not exactly with policy, with a structure that everyone follows. We already use these structures in classrooms and professional settings where an agenda, a facilitator, and customs such as raising your hand keeps it from devolving into chaos. The same principles can be applied to facilitate better social gatherings.
The Principles of Authentic Relating
I have been learning about an alternative way of social interaction for deeper connection called Authentic Relating. In professional circles I’ve learned about it as sociocracy, a type of group governance that centers equity and inclusion. Here are some of the foundational practices of Authentic Relating:
Everyone has an equal amount of time to speak. In a normal conversation, the person who wants to speak the most usually does. If they don’t ask questions or invite the other person to speak, it results in a one-sided conversation. In Authentic Relating, everyone is given an equal amount of time to talk and to listen. If the conversation is one-on-one, each partner is given the same amount of time to talk. If the conversation is in a group, every person is given an equal amount of time to share.
The facilitator determines when someone speaks. In an unstructured group interaction, the people who want to talk jump in, which usually results in the loudest dominating the conversation and people fighting to be heard. In Authentic Relating, the facilitator determines when someone speaks. People who want to speak raise their hands, and speak only when called on and stop speaking when signaled to do so. The facilitator makes judgment calls about who has spoken enough and who still needs to be heard from, so that everyone has equal opportunity to contribute. If the individuals are sitting in a circle or around a table, then the order in which everyone speaks may be determined by the order of their seats.
Topics of conversation are intentional. In a normal social situation, fear of vulnerability or seeming too forward often leads to conversations about “safe” and superficial topics. In Authentic Relating, facilitators intentionally bring up more interesting, challenging, and meaningful topics so that participants can learn more about each other and connect more deeply. Questions or topics of conversation can be predetermined by the facilitator, or created by the participants. Because topics are introduced as a part of a structured activity, it reduces the awkwardness of asking challenging or personal questions seemingly out of context. Questions can be silly and casual as well as deep and challenging, such as “if you were a fruit or vegetable, what would you be?” Participants can choose how they want to respond or not respond, or come up with a different prompt if desired.
In an unstructured social setting, conversations turn on the whim of those who speak, which may lead to interesting avenues, or wind up with some people speaking for too long and others getting bored. In Authentic Relating, the facilitator is allowed to step in to guide the conversation, offering new topics when old ones have been exhausted, or helping the group move on to implications, complications, and next steps. There may be predetermined points during the gathering when the conversation is prompted to turn to the next topic (i.e. an agenda). The facilitator ensures that there is variety in the agenda, and it is not left to the participants to figure out how to talk to as many people as possible or try to direct the conversation for the group.
Creating an Inclusive Social Gathering
I had a chance to practice Authentic Relating at a party I hosted with my partner Matt the day before Christmas Eve. In addition to carefully thinking through the event agenda itself, we made efforts to make the entire process as inclusive and welcoming as possible.
Starting with the invitation: We created a Facebook Event to invite people to the event. In the description we gave a detailed description of what participants can expect. We gave an hour-by-hour breakdown of the event followed by a description of each activity. In addition we specified what will be served for food and drink, and the presence of pets. (See the detailed agenda here.)
In addition to inviting people through the Facebook event, we also texted each guest individually to invite them personally. We included a screenshot with the details as well as the link for anyone with difficulty accessing Facebook or the internet. We asked for dietary restrictions and accommodations. We specified the dress code, what people can bring if they want to contribute to the food, and the covid policy. On the day of, we sent detailed parking instructions, took covid tests, and encouraged guests to do the same.
The party started at 6pm. As guests started arriving, we greeted each person and gave them some orientation to the space, the food, and the other guests. Matt had created signs for the bathroom, spaces that are for guests, and spaces that are off limits. Julie, one of our friends, created labels for each of the dishes identifying all of their ingredients.
The first hour was unstructured so that guests could arrive, grab food, and mingle. At 7pm, we gave an official welcome with a statement of intentions, gratitude, and we described the agenda for the evening, which includes an hour and a half of structured Authentic Relating, 1.5 hours of ecstatic dance, and 1 hour for the pooja. We explained that guests are at choice in participating in any of these activities, and that if they want to have quiet time or not participate, we have designated the bedroom as a space where they could chill out.
First, we played what I call the commonalities game. I ask the group a question, and people stand in different parts of the room depending on how they answer. Everyone then finds someone in their group to have a 5 minute one-on-one conversation, about that topic or something else. We did this for four rounds of questions.
Are you the oldest, youngest, middle, or only child?
Are you from Michigan?
Do you enjoy social media?
What is your relationship status?
This activity allowed everyone to have several short one-on-one conversations about something they had in common with another person. For the fourth question, I had a conversation with a woman who shared a very personal story. She has been with her partner for over 20 years, but in the last few years, he has suffered from mental deterioration. She loves him and is devoted to caring for him, but he is not able to meet her social and emotional needs. She felt like dying inside, until she allowed herself to seek out community, which is how she connected with the New Culture community in Ann Arbor. “The community has been a lifeline for me,” she said. I listened and reassured her that I understood it must be so hard for her and I was glad that she has found community.
The commonalities game took 30 minutes, followed by two rounds of the “allies game.” In this game, the group forms a circle, and each person steps into the middle of the circle, says their name, and a statement about themselves. The people on the edge of the circle steps towards the person in the middle depending on how strongly they resonate with that statement. The statement can be a fact, a feeling, a preference, or something else. For example, Deborah shared that she was really grateful to be with everyone tonight, and everyone stepped towards her to indicate that they felt the same. Michael said he was looking forward to spending time with family over the holidays, and some people stepped closer and some did not. Robert said he’s really been enjoying classical music, and I stepped all the way in until our hands touched. This activity helped us get to know each other better and to feel that others resonate with our feelings, preferences, and experiences.
Because it was the winter solstice, the next portion was about reflecting on our year and setting intentions for the new year. I opened the activity by reading a short excerpt of the meaning of the winter solstice. For five minutes, everyone was asked to ponder on their own the following questions and write their reflections on a piece of paper:
What was your best moment this year (brightest light)?
What is the biggest challenge you have overcome (darkest night)?
How have you grown or changed in the last year?
We then reconfigured into groups of four (counting off so that people didn’t automatically pick those sitting closest to them) to share reflections. Each group had 12 minutes to share among themselves, giving each person equal time.
Next we asked everyone to take 5 minutes to ponder a set of new questions and write down their responses.
What would you like to let go of?
What would you like to nurture?
What is your word for the new year?
We asked everyone to find one partner to share their reflections with for 10 minutes. Then we reconvened as one large circle and each person shared their word for the new year (sometimes with a brief explanation). My word was “faith,” Matt’s was “community,” James’ was “balance,” and Michael, the last person to go, hilariously said, “explode!”
The winter solstice activity gave all of us half an hour to engage in private contemplation and share something meaningful about ourselves with others. In sharing with each other our intentions for the new year, we clarified our desires and created some accountability for moving forward on our intentions. It was a meaningful topic of conversation that allowed participants to get to know each other deeper.
After the seriousness and unexpected hilarity of the last activity, the guests had a little time to mingle freely while Matt and I prepared for the next activity, ecstatic dance. While the name may sound intimidating, ecstatic dance is just about moving however you feel like. At a usual dance party, the music is the same upbeat tempo the entire time, which means that everyone has to jump in at a fast pace. In ecstatic dance, we start with introductions, check-ins, guidelines, and guided movements so that everyone gets into the mindset and feels comfortable with each other. The music starts out slow and gradually gets faster, allowing everyone to ease into it. After peak intensity the music gradually gets slower and returns everyone to a calm state.
It was now 10pm and we had come to the final activity of the night. Called a “pooja,” an Indian word for ritual, the activity focuses on consensual touching. We explained that touch is a basic human need, but something our society has made taboo except for those in intimate relationships. For our activity, there was no sexual touching or touching anyone in their intimate areas. Those doing the touching ask the recipient how they want to be touched and need to receive permission before proceeding. We all went around stating our boundaries and preferences. Anna said that she wanted to have her neck and shoulders massaged, Deborah said she wanted to be held, Michael said he wanted people to lie on his chest, and Charity said she wanted people to lie on her butt. Donald said he does not like being squeezed anywhere, and Tracy said she does not like her hair to be messed with.
We then proceed to the activity itself, with those wanting to receive touch first sitting or lying down, and those wanting to give touch approaching them. Soothing music played in the background. Soon, everyone was relaxed and moaning with pleasure. We didn’t talk except to give feedback to those doing the touching. After a while givers and receivers switched roles and stated new desires and preferences.
I remembered the pooja I facilitated last year where I first connected with Matt. It was also after an ecstatic dance. We were both sitting on the floor and we reached for each other without asking. Our eyes met and I felt such warmth and excitement in my being. His head fell against my chest and I held him in a tender embrace. The next day, I asked Matt out on a date. We have been together more than a year since.
It was now 11:30pm and the remaining guests were still on the floor swooning from pleasure. I had to turn off the music and tell them that the party was over. Reluctantly they got up, put on their coats, and departed into the cold night twinkling with stars and frost. Matt and I were very tired and we still had cleaning up to do, but our hearts were warm and our heads light from the laughter and connections we just shared. All week he had been a nervous wreck about the party. He had never had more than four people over at his apartment and didn’t know how he would handle 20 people in his safe space (it ended up being only 14). But it was totally worth it and we loved seeing our friends enjoy themselves so much. We will be thinking back on this night with fondness and satisfaction for a long time.
The next day several guests messaged us to say that they really enjoyed the event and the warmth, connection and vulnerability it facilitated was very meaningful to them. Deborah said that it was one of the best parties she had been to in her life.
Equity and Inclusion Require Intention
Human beings are social animals who are very sensitive to hierarchy. Our need for belonging is so strong that our bodies respond to rejection in the same way that we respond to physical pain. Yet the way we interact often makes it easier for some people to feel belonging than others. Usually we are not even aware of these dynamics because they are so pervasive. Those of us with marginalized identities may feel that we are awkward or unattractive, or maybe parties are stupid, rather than recognize that the structure or lack of structure in social settings inherently works against us. Most of us never consider that there is any other way.
Authentic Relating intentionally disrupts traditional power dynamics so that participants can interact more equitably and have a greater sense of inclusion. Some of these practices are very simple, including:
A round of introductions when the party starts
Intentionally mixing people up in different groups
Keeping conversations to a set amount of time
Giving each person the same amount of time to talk
Introducing deeper, more meaningful conversation topics
Instructions and reminders for people to practice active listening
At one event I attended, participants were given 10 minutes to have a conversation with another person, before doing the same with someone else. The simple act of designating a set amount of time for the conversation was helpful in several ways: 1) it focused the conversation so that we were less inclined to digress; 2) we remembered to take turns speaking and listening; 3) it removed rejection from the act of ending a conversation in order to talk to another person.
The main criticism of this approach is that it does not allow for spontaneity and choice in interaction. In a facilitated conversation, I may not get to go up to someone at the party and have an in-depth conversation about their views on a particular matter for as long as I would like. For the outgoing and curious, this may be a drawback. But even for the outgoing and curious, it can be tiring to always ask questions and not have the same curiosity and engagement reciprocated. If I’m the one asking questions in these situations, talking happens but I don’t feel a sense of connection and I often feel drained at the end. Authentic Relating forces people to take on different social roles, such as being the listener, questioner, speaker, or moderator, rather than always defaulting to the role they are most comfortable with.
Authentic Relating is of benefit in social gatherings where not everyone knows each other. The fewer people you know, the more difficult it is to be outgoing and feel a sense of belonging. The more marginalized identities you have, the more difficult it is to fit in and command attention. If you are the only black person in a room full of white people, or the only young person in a room full of older people, or a struggling English speaker in a room full of native English speakers, it becomes more difficult even if you have an outgoing personality. Authentic Relating helps to equalize the playing field even if it’s at the expense of those who would thrive without it.
Authentic Relating may seem contrived or too structured, and it wouldn’t be very useful at a small gathering where everyone knows each other, but it’s surprising how much flexibility and spontaneity is possible. For example, in one form of Authentic Relating, called a Zegg forum, participants take turns sharing about anything they want to the group for a set time period. The rest of the participants practice listening, reflecting, and validating the speaker. In another form, called a Marc Group, participants take turns being in a “hot seat” and the rest of the group asks questions of the person in the hot seat. In both of these scenarios, all participants have an equal amount of time to share and listen. It works well for getting to know people you know very well as well as those you just met.
Now that I have experienced the benefits of Authentic Relating, I am more aware of power dynamics in social situations; I try to be more inclusive at events I attend, and I want to host more events where Authentic Relating is practiced. By intentionally structuring and facilitating social interactions with equity and inclusion, we can avoid the tragedy of the party and create social gatherings that are more welcoming, enjoyable, and meaningful for everyone.
Resources
See my upcoming authentic relating events!
If you’re interested in bringing authentic relating to your event or gathering, please get in touch!
To learn more about Authentic Relating, see
To learn more about sociocracy, see https://www.sociocracyforall.org/
Parker, P. 2018. The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why it Matters. Riverhead Books.